Survival

Yes, I survived a week in Maryland! Yeah! I spent yesterday rocking quietly in a corner, in my happy place, trying to make sense of the family I married into. Today, I have put all the information to rest and am ready to carry on!

Here are a few gems from the week that I must get off my chest before I can have Christmas closure this year:

1. I am lazy because I don't work full time and "contribute" to the family.
2. My children are too messy (this may actually be true).
3. While my sister-in-law's choice to terminate a pregnancy in Oct. because the baby had Down Syndrome is her choice, her body, and the best decision for her family - my choice to homeschool is wrong, wrong, wrong.
4. I am not allowed to believe that terminating a pregnancy is morally wrong - in fact, nothing is morally wrong in a family where infidelity and cruelty are "just the way men are".
5. My father-in-law was kicked out of his wife's son's basement because he has a strange, Michael Jackson-ish attachment to his oldest step-grandson. He asked if he and wife could move in with my mother-in-law, and was shocked when she said no.
6. Christmas day can actually be spent without anyone talking to anyone else.
7. Flying from DC to Boston is too much work for my mil, so we have to drive 12 hours in a van with three busy kids to see her at least twice a year, lest I be accused of keeping her from her grandchildren. But flying to LA to see Husband's brother is not.
8. I should not drive to see my family in Indiana because that is too hard on the kids.
9. I will never, ever work as hard as my mil or any Asian person, for that matter.
10. After a furtive glance at the google history on his computer, I have discovered The Husband is interested in stuff that is even beyond my scope of imagination.....yikes.

I could go on, but won't. After each Maryland visit, I am grateful for my own family. They are loud, nosy and slightly offbeat - I realized that no one to whom I am related has a normal job - we are wine experts in Napa, apple orchard owners, writers, pastors, missionaries, artists, chefs, landscape designers and nuns. But we love and protect each other. We are fun! In fact, my mother always says that we put the "fun" in dysfunctional....but that's another story.

I have been given a directive to return to Maryland in August and I am already coming up with reasons to avoid the trip. I think Anna has camp that week, or maybe the weather is supposed to be bad...I am a smart girl, and surely can come up with something!

Anyway, have a fun New Year's Eve! See you next year! (ha, ha)

Farewell, For Now

We're off to The Husband's homeland of Maryland. I will have no access to computers there, as my mother-in-law doesn't believe in computers, and am not yet in posession of a laptop to escape to a "hot"zone. Not that anyone cares too much, but I won't post again for at least a week (will I survive with no e-mail or Facebook? Yikes!).

Stay tuned for crazy in-law stories in the new year! Meanwhile, stay warm and have a Merry Christmas!

Impending Trip to Bizarro World

As you know, I detest winter and all it stands for. If I was in a Christmas special, I would be Heat Miser. However, with the foot of snow we got Friday and the 8-10 more inches plus sleet we are expecting today, my dreaded trip to see my mother-in-law has been delayed at least a day! Hallelujah!

My husband (and, obviously, in-laws) are Vietnamese. Even though they have been here since 1968, they still are entrenched in their culture (rightly so) and do not understand at all the way we choose to raise our children.

Trips to visit always turn into a week of being told I am lazy, stupid and not earning enough money. This is, of course, because I am a white American and we are all this way (my mil's words, not mine).

In my husband's family, the almighty dollar is king. The fact that I would willingly choose to give up a career for my children is anathema to them. My sister-in-law, whose son went into some god-awful daycare at the age of 6 weeks (which they, of course, call "school" to make themselves feel better), so she can work 50 hours a week and then leave her son again with my mil on Sundays to have a "me" day is held up to me as all that is good and holy in the world. Never mind that the poor child, who is now 4, was diagnosed with failure to thrive and stress before he was a year old....

I am forever receiving e-mails from my father-in-law detailing my failings as a wage earner. The most recent asked what I would do when poor, overworked Husband (who has a cushy, work-from-home management job with Hewlett-Packard) dropped dead of a heart attack since I "force" him to support us. I had to refrain from replying that I would see that as a great day, worthy of rejoicing in the streets and much merriment!

My mil will strike fear in my heart at least twice this coming week, threatening to retire and move in with us to watch the kids so I can work. Never mind that her three sons are selfish, reprehensible human beings and there is no way she's getting her hands on my kids.

The homeschooling really sends them over the edge to the point that it's comical. "Dey need da school-work" I will hear over and over. Never mind that in my former life I was a teacher and went to graduate school for reading and literacy instruction...

I try to be calm and change the subject, but it never works. I also cannot rebut that maybe my sister-in-law, who only spends one day a week with her son, is the one who has things a little backward. How does one defend oneself?

I do always like to remind my mil that my own mother is horrified that I work at all (part-time as a freelance writer), given the fact that Husband travels all the time and refuses to help with the house or the kids. I think the way things are is a happy balance. I earn enough so my kids can do the activities they enjoy, and for a margarita once in awhile. I don't feel we need a fancy house, car or every toy in the store, but maybe that's a character defect on my part.

Sorry this post sounds so angry. If any of you have tips on deflecting in-law hatred, please pass them my way. In the meantime, and I can't believe I'm saying this, let it snow!!!!!

Welcome, Jordyn-Grace

My hero, Michelle Duggar, has given birth to baby 18! Can you even imagine? That woman is a saint. My favorite quote from the news outlets is that "they hope to have more." My goodness. I must admit that I would love one more, but cannot imagine how anyone keeps a house of 18 children under control. She has the gift!

Slacking Off

Do you ever feel like you're slacking off? We got off to a great start this year, with set school hours and much accomplished. Then, I had my surgery to remove painful endometriosis, and by the time I came out of my percocet coma everything had gone to pot. In just 4 days, under the "care" of their father (who ignores them and believes strongly in TV as a babysitter) I had 3 kids who were suddenly refusing to do anything without a fight.

In my weakened state, I gave in to them and the start of schoolwork kept getting pushed farther and farther into the morning as they fought over computer games and commited much surly stomping of feet when told to turn the damn thing off.

I am decidedly not one of those parents who call themselves radical unschoolers. This group believes that asking anything of a child is coercion and to be avoided at all costs. But somehow we got to this state, mostly because I am too tired to fight with three kids and it's way easier to pretend to be all progressive and let the kids do what they want and find a way to fake educational value. I just can't make myself believe that this is the best way to raise kids in our society, where jobs and higher education do not run by those principles.

Sure, we had bursts of science experiments and read a few books, but that is not sufficient for my oldest, who is extremely bright and capable of more.

All that has happened in my house is that we have devolved into chaos, with no schedule and kids wandering about making a mess. This week, we have gone into crackdown mode. The kids actually seem relieved and I feel more in control. It is all my fault, not theirs. This entry is my atonement for lazy parenting for the last couple of months. Oh, please let me get back on track!

The Holiday Which Must Not Be Named

So I spent all yesterday trapped indoors after a horrendous ice storm incapacitated our travels. After purging and organizing 2 rooms (whew!), I decided to look at some recent news online. I got annoyed, as usual, at the prolific use of the word "holidays" when we all know that everyone is talking about.....CHRISTMAS! Yes, Christmas, the Judeo-Christian celebration of the birth of Jesus. Santa and all that. A bonafide federal holiday! Yet, no one will say it aloud.

It takes a whooooole lot to offend me, and the fact that people are so afraid of saying Merry Christmas does the trick. So do set-ups mocking Christmas and all it means to people of faith. The icing on the cake was a story about how a group is planning a nativity with two Marys and two Josephs in order to be provocative and show what things would be like had Mary and Joseph been homosexual. Well, as far as we know they weren't. And what is the point? I am an advocate of free speech, and these people are free to do what they wish, and I am free to not go look at it. I can hear the cries of homophobia now - but I am not a homophobic. I am just proud of the history of my faith system and it saddens me to see it turned into a political statement.

But I started thinking about how Christmas and Christians are allowed to be diminished and disrespected in ways that no other religion or observance is allowed to be. What if, during Eid, someone thought to set up a display with 2 Mohammads? There would be outcry and fighting in the streets.

Who, really, would be harmed by a little wave and a Merry Christmas? If someone said Happy Hannukah to me, I wouldn't mind. Happy Kwanzaa? Sure - even though no one really knows what it is, and it was kind of made up in the 60s by a guy who spent time in prison for brutally torturing and beating two women in the early 1970s and is a Marxist/secular progressive....

But I digress. I love Christmas. I love shopping for gifts and finding unique things for people I love. The music is wonderful, the decorations lovely, the story timeless. I look forward every year to the 24-hour A Christmas Story marathon. It's the simple things that bring joy this time of year, and let's face it. It's because of Christmas.

Vigilante Kids

I started out today thinking I would write about Christmas. Yes, the holiday-which-must-not-be-named in our uber-sensitive culture of political correctness. But then I read a story on the front page of our local paper outlining a proposed plan to turn Georgetown’s Penn Brook Elementary School students into vigilantes, taking on possible gunmen armed only with backpacks and a garbage can. Who do school officials think these kids are, little MacGyvers?

Apparently, time will soon be taken out of the school day to teach children how to react in case an armed maniac should run into their classroom. Never mind wondering if the money for this “training” would be better spent beefing up security so the gunman couldn’t get in in the first place…but I digress.

The plan is to teach fourth- and fifth-grade students to fend of the perp with backpacks, chairs and books because these are excellent shields against bullets, right? Or will it give the kids a false sense of security. My other thought was, what happens if the gunman knows that only the fourth and fifth graders have been trained in using everyday objects as security measures, and meanders into the third-grade classroom down the hall?

I am all for awareness of danger and knowing how to protect oneself. I have spent a good deal of time teaching my kids about what to do if they are ever approached by strangers or grabbed by one.

The main reason this article got to me so much is because it really underscores the very real threat of children having to be placed in the position of taking on a gunman. So on top of everything else expected of the kids, like sitting still for long periods, waiting for classmates to finish work, being confused by or not challenged by the work and therefore frustrated, and the stress of MCAS, they also have to always have a niggling fear in their minds that someone is going to come into school and shoot them.

I have filed all this information in the part of my brain labeled “more reasons I make financial sacrifices to homeschool”. Yes, I realize that I cannot insulate my children from danger. That they could be harmed as they go about their lives and during classes where I am not in attendance. But I can sure as heck keep them out of a place where it is no longer a really big deal for a shooting to occur.

As for my own kids, I bought the boys weapons for Christmas. Yes, I did. Marshmallow launcher guns and a real bow-and-arrow set, complete with primary-colored target. I passed on the hatchet/knives kit for this year, but expect they request it within the decade. They will be trained in real ways to keep themselves safe when they are old enough and out on their own.

For now, it is my job to be their protector and that is what I will do.

Snow, Schmow

I loathe the snow and winter in general, so it's a real mystery why I choose to live in Massachusetts when we could pick up and go to a warmer climate at any moment given the nature of The Husband's job.

Today, I woke up to flurries and overexcited children, who don't realize that all the first snowfall means is that it's a good 6 months before it will be remotely warm again. Six loooooong months of forcing hands into mittens and heads into hats; of a constant trail of slush through the entryway of the house and cries of dismay when shirtsleeves get stuck in coat armholes. Six months with nearly no sun, a constantly filthy car and lots of time indoors. Blech.

I do know some borderline insane people who enjoy this time of year. They are heartier than I. I believe that I was meant to be a southern belle, sitting on a porch in the scorching heat accepting mint juleps and sweet tea from my adoring suitors, not unlike Scarlett O'Hara, whose great line, "I'll just think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day," rules much of my life of denial.

I am sure that the kids will force me to spend a half hour later today squeezing and coercing reluctant bodies into snow pants, boots, etc. for 15 minutes worth of play time, then leave all their stuff strewn about like the snowflakes themselves. Each year, I try to convince myself that I really do like winter - that I love sledding, skiing and ice skating. But I am just a soft, warm-weather girl at heart and it's time I owned up to it.

As a homeschool mom, though, I am supposed to love all kinds of weather and be willing to hike in it, pointing out all sorts of seasonal changes and the like to my children. Am I causing irreparable gaps in their education? I think I can risk it...I will take tidepools over a winter wonderland any day! So I will now go into my winter depression - perhaps I should buy a sunlamp? - and spend my days hoping for an early spring.

Wrapping Paper Cheer

So, my wrapping paper kit from Hearthsong (http://www.hearthsong.com/) arrived today amid much fanfare and jubilation - and that was just me! We got on our junky painting clothes and made some paper with which to lovingly wrap Christmas gifts for the cousins. It turned out great! We plan to make some more tomorrow when the first stretch of paper dries, and then add flair, like googly eyes, glitter and more! Poor Jake has pneumonia, so this was a nice and quiet activity for him today. Ryan refused to be photographed

Thanks to the Internet...

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one activity while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make them are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex addict waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Seriously, what did people worry about before you could find all these facts online? I can only imagine....