Things

Yesterday, someone asked me how things are at home, someone who knows a few details from the tip of the iceberg about the state of my marriage. I am never sure if people really want to know, or if they are just being polite. I just said that things were "per usual" and carried on to be polite and not make anyone uncomfortable. No one likes a whiny girl.

What I really wanted to say is that I am often stricken by bouts of lonliness and feel an undercurrent of sadness much of the time. That I often want a hug or an alcoholic beverage (or both simultaneously) but neither is forthcoming. How did this happen, I ask myself. I am a reasonably attractive girl, or so I am told; carrying a few extra pounds but still able to move comfortably. My age is often guessed 8-10 years younger (I am 38, but was just last week accused of being "about 27" by someone who had no reason to suck up or to make me feel better). I can be fun and witty, when the stars align correctly. Why am I looked through at home, like I am just a wisp of air, inconsequential on its way to somewhere else?

So I guess things are for me how they are for many: a little confusing and somewhat terrifying.

The bright spot(s) are my wonderful children, who don't really mind the few extra pounds and beg me to read to them. I haven't written about them for awhile, so here is an update:

Anna is doing great in school, though she says she misses me all day and wishes I were there. I want to videotape her saying that to play back when she is 16 and doesn't even want me in the same county.

Poor Jake has been battling a strange virus that has landed him on the couch for a few days, with high fever. I have been holding vigil at night with him in my bed, my hand in his hot little one as he sleeps. I figure I can sleep later.

Ryan is turning out to be my comedian. He has made up his own language using clicking sounds from his fingernails and weird noises. Occasionally he will translate for us, and always makes me laugh.

So, in all, I would say things are maudlin. Some happiness shining through the heavy thoughts. Can that be said in polite company? Maybe next time I'll try.