This is My 100th Post

Wow! I have slowed down on writing some, as the weather has been nicer and we've been outdoors more - not so much material from the kids lately. Normal play at the beach or playgrounds is not so interesting to read about.

I have in my travels lately, however, run into some really crazy mommies. I just attract them somehow.

For instance, while minding my own business at a pot luck recently, a mom I've never met before came over to chat. Straight out of the barn, she mentioned her career, how she would never, ever be a stay-at-home mom and asking my opinion about if she should have another - she's worried because her first is so easy and maybe the second one won't be. Because, of course, a maternity leave longer than 6 weeks would be sheer hell. Oh, and after finding out that I have 3 children and don't work full-time, she asked what I might have to talk about that is remotely interesting.

Being a mostly SAHM myself and craving more children than I already have, I was a little taken aback. I don't even know this woman's name and she has already bashed my choice to be home and acts like children are on this earth to bend to our whims (which they certainly do not). Being me, I went into joke mode and said that you never can predict what your little ones will be like. I also pointed out that, like me, she could end up with twins the second time around.

She then (remember, I still don't know her name) contorted her face and said twins would never be an option for her and that she would terminate the pregnancy if there were twins. Because twins might cause her to have to work less.

So, how does one respond? Especially since I know that twins, while difficult, have brought me so much joy and laughter. Especially since I am pro-life. I wanted to ask her why she would kill her babies and why she had any to begin with, but didn't want to cause a scene (this is a new goal after I accused someone of snubbing me in public in a FB status update and got caught), so I mumbled that twins aren't so bad.

This lady told me that yes, they are, and people should only have 2 children anyway to keep 0 population growth. I sighed and ambled away and immediately latched onto a rational friend to relay the story to see if the "f" word playing around in my head was unfounded.

I still don't know what I should have said. I am sad for this woman and her daughter and wonder what she will feel in a few years when the early years are gone and she has spent them in an office instead of savoring every minute possible of the time when kids actually want to be with you. Please don't think I am being a sanctimommy here, but I really don't get it. I am not a perfect mom, but I believe my children take comfort in knowing that I am here even when I am not directly interacting with them.

Anyway, the sun is finally shining again and we're off to a frog pond. Here's hoping the nice, normal moms are out in force today!

Vices

Vices. All moms have them. For my grandmother, who reared her children in the 1950s, it was cocktails and "pep pills." For my mother, whose children were young in the 1970s, it was Marlboro Reds and Oreo cookies scarfed down with her head hiding between open kitchen cabinets while she pretended to put away dishes. For Gen X moms, it's arguably Facebook (and possibly the Twilight book series).

Like an obsessive stalker boyfriend who starts out friendly enough and later becomes impossible to avoid, and at the same time is attractive and addictive, Facebook draws you in. "What are you doing right now?" it asks. "What are your favorite books?" "What five people deserve a punch in the face?" I want to answer all the questions and placate the Facebook demon but know that there are better ways to spend my time.

For me, the low point came a couple of weeks ago when my children were bouncing around my feet like little jumping beans, clutching their empty bellies and begging for dinner — and I put off cooking for them to complete a quiz called, "Will You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse." In case you are wondering, I will be one of the first to die, but not before realizing the horror of the situation.

I have spent some time while driving recently contemplating the appeal of Facebook. It started as a social networking program for teens and college students, but now hordes of older people (like myself) have joined in.

Because of our fast-paced, child-centered parenting these days, it's hard to find time to be with friends without the kids. I think we love Facebook because it's possible to check in a few times a day and see what everyone is up to without having to rearrange schedules for face-to-face meetings. It also breaks up the monotony of housework and child rearing for a snippet of adult time. And those quizzes and games are just too much fun. Who cares that my mouse hand is starting to resemble a shriveled claw from all that clicking?

What is a parent to do? I am forever lecturing my children of the importance of self-control and limiting screen time. I fear that I often limit their screen time so I can have more of it myself. Is the lesson they're receiving a positive one? That it's acceptable to eschew human contact for superficial status updates? Do as I say, not as I do?

I have been considering detoxing from Facebook, or just becoming a lurker for a while. I ask myself if I really believe anyone cares what songs make me cry, or what I am thinking. Probably not. But it's cathartic in a way to put it all out there, just in case. To have contact with people who are taller than 4 feet and can use multisyllabic words. Who will comment back to me that they understand my plight, that some people have children who do weirder things than mine do.
Yes, Facebook is my vice and dirty little secret (not so secret anymore). At least I haven't signed up for Twitter ....

Things

Yesterday, someone asked me how things are at home, someone who knows a few details from the tip of the iceberg about the state of my marriage. I am never sure if people really want to know, or if they are just being polite. I just said that things were "per usual" and carried on to be polite and not make anyone uncomfortable. No one likes a whiny girl.

What I really wanted to say is that I am often stricken by bouts of lonliness and feel an undercurrent of sadness much of the time. That I often want a hug or an alcoholic beverage (or both simultaneously) but neither is forthcoming. How did this happen, I ask myself. I am a reasonably attractive girl, or so I am told; carrying a few extra pounds but still able to move comfortably. My age is often guessed 8-10 years younger (I am 38, but was just last week accused of being "about 27" by someone who had no reason to suck up or to make me feel better). I can be fun and witty, when the stars align correctly. Why am I looked through at home, like I am just a wisp of air, inconsequential on its way to somewhere else?

So I guess things are for me how they are for many: a little confusing and somewhat terrifying.

The bright spot(s) are my wonderful children, who don't really mind the few extra pounds and beg me to read to them. I haven't written about them for awhile, so here is an update:

Anna is doing great in school, though she says she misses me all day and wishes I were there. I want to videotape her saying that to play back when she is 16 and doesn't even want me in the same county.

Poor Jake has been battling a strange virus that has landed him on the couch for a few days, with high fever. I have been holding vigil at night with him in my bed, my hand in his hot little one as he sleeps. I figure I can sleep later.

Ryan is turning out to be my comedian. He has made up his own language using clicking sounds from his fingernails and weird noises. Occasionally he will translate for us, and always makes me laugh.

So, in all, I would say things are maudlin. Some happiness shining through the heavy thoughts. Can that be said in polite company? Maybe next time I'll try.

Changes, Not Necessarily for the Better

As an insomniac, I have loads of time to contemplate my past and every once in awhile I will realize something that may or may not be profound, but seems so when I am barely lucid. Last night, I was thinking of all the ways I changed to make my now husband happy 15 years ago, but that have ultimately caused the total loss of the person I was then. It took my mother of all people to point out that my personality all but died when I got married. It's sad, but if I make this list maybe it will help me come back! I think I'd come out of my funk if I stopped trying to make him happy, which clearly isn't going to work, and went for making myself happy again. To that end, I am pursuing a real job with a salary so I can take back control of the things I love. I think in the end I will be a better person/mother. Anyone know of a part-time Reading Specialist job anywhere????

Things I changed:
1. My clothes. I used to be a hipster in vintage clothes, with dresses/combat boots. He hated the way I looked and convinced me to start shopping at The Limited. Now I just look plain boring.

2. My music. I used to derive great joy from singing and playing the piano. We had to leave the piano behind in Indiana because he wouldn't pay shipping costs and he views singing as a waste of my time, and won't agree to watch the kids if I join the choral society.

3. Going to live theater. Love it, all of it! Getting dressed up, the play, everything. Of course, to him, plays are boring and not a good way to spend money, so no go.

4. Spending time riding my bike or hiking with friends.

5. Talking for hours with friends and ending up rolling on the floor laughing about the ridiculous. This naturally takes a break when one has little kids, but I hope to do this again soon.

6. Kissing.

That's about all I can tackle now. If there are any volunteers to help in my journey (or go with me to the theater), let me know.

Newest Family Member

Darling Anna turned 8 this weekend, and her heart's desire was Lizzie the leopard gecko, pictured above crawling up Anna's arm (it's Ryan's hand reaching out to hold Lizzie next). So far, she is an easy pet. She is quiet and doesn't make a mess of the toys, so I love her already. Since her diet is mainly live crickets, I also now have a box of them in the house, hopping around pointlessly waiting to be eaten by Lizzie.

In truth, I was relieved she chose such a cool pet for her birthday gift after she had come home from school just days before asking to see the Hannah Montana movie. My worst public school fear realized! The lizard request cancelled out the Hannah Montana request...not that I am sheltering Anna. I just find the whole Hannah Montana thing annoying!

It's hard to believe that 8 years have already gone by since the day I was writhing in pain and wanting to die while giving birth to the kid. She's grown into such a great little person, just a little too fast for my liking.

My Logo

I've had several queries lately about the header on the blog, the cool Educate with the anarchy symbol. I am sad to report that I didn't think of it, and want to give props to the person who did - his name is Matt Vincent, and he's clearly a genius. I know Matt from my work with the newspaper; he's a Selectman and also a patent attorney with a flair for graphics (and an unparalleled sense of humor). Just wanted to give credit where credit is due! Thanks, Matt!