Break-ups are Hard On You

Lately, I have had much pressure, stress and anxiety, the likes of which I've never had converge all at once. I spent most of the weekend huddled on my bed watching reruns of America's Next Top Model, emerging only to feed my children and feeling grateful that they entertain themselves. One recent event weighs on my mind most days, and I'm sure we've all been there.

It starts off so well, usually. You meet someone and it clicks. The conversation is exciting as you interrupt each other, telling stories that link experiences. Daily phone calls start. The thrill of it all makes you overlook potential problems that down the road will ultimately doom the relationship. Then it becomes necessary to break up.

I am, of course, talking about the mom friendship. After having a baby, life changes so radically you become fast friends with anyone else who understands. Most of the time, this is great. Your children play together, you bond over talk of sleepless nights, preschool choices and the subtle nuances of The Wonderpets and High School Musical.

Sometimes, lives just diverge and the friendships come to a natural stall, and you connect mostly on Facebook or through Christmas cards. No hard feelings – you are happy to bump into each other and laugh over trivial events of the past. Sort of like a nice boy you went on a few dates with but there was no lasting chemistry.

But we all have a mom friend who drives us nuts. The sound of her voice makes your fingernails tingle and eyebrows twitch. Her phone number on caller ID causes heart palpitations not unlike seeing your mother-in-law’s number.

I had such a friend until recently. Even though she clearly could not tolerate anything about me and was constantly trying to change my religious views (Christian), political leanings (conservative) and parenting style (according to her, draconian and rigid), I gamely stuck by with a fake smile on my face because our daughters were friends.

This worked for awhile, until I realized that the poor behavior of this wild child, who has very little self-control or sense of other people, was rubbing off on my own. After a playdate, I had to deprogram my daughter who would come home wondering why she had to have a bedtime and talking back, two things acceptable in a home where the parents believe adults have no business putting limits on children – but clearly not acceptable in my home, where I strive to teach my children how the world works and believe children thrive on a schedule.

I tried to remember the great things this mom did, like helping out in a pinch when I needed someone to watch my kids and her way of being so laid back and untroubled by many things.

Over about two years, incidents added up to the breaking point and it became necessary to make a clean break. Being a nonconfrontational doormat type who wants everyone to like me, it was very difficult to make the split. I tried to just turn down playdate invitations and cut conversations short, but my passive agression didn’t work.

So in the end, I turned to e-mail. I agonized over the best way to do it, and carefully worded my reasons for why I thought we didn’t need to see each other any more. I should have known it wouldn’t be so easy – much to my surprise and dismay, just like in seventh grade, my e-mail and a brutal rebuttal made the rounds to some friends, many of whom did not know the whole history of our stormy relationship. All it took was two weeks of deep breathing exercises, a trip to Florida and some damage control to finally get over the anxiety of it all.

It’s painful to end things, even more painful to explain to a child why a loved friend is not healthy to be around. But it’s part of helping them make good choices about the people they allow to influence them, and how to stand up for themselves. Breaking up is hard to do, but is certainly necessary sometimes.

Perhaps I can be bolstered enough to end another troublesome relationship...we'll see.